A Pause

This week I was to fill my blog with my children.  Jack is already playfully displayed. Yet, I must take a break and let recent events enter in.  I am not good with death.  I would rather it not exist.  I mean, I always tell Aaron that when we are old and close to dying that will lie next to each other and say “One, two, three, die.” Then we will be transposed to the afterlife with out a moment without each other.  We will be true eternal companions.  I think the same of my family and close friends.  My faith in life after death stands firm.  I just don’t like the separation feature.

When I was young I remember my sister telling me of going to stay at Grandma’s.  She and my older brother would go and stay for a week eating Fruit Loops for breakfast,  baking sugar cookies with a hit of nutmeg, walks to  school playgrounds, watching the Disney channel, and an infamous trip to the Spanish Fork McDonald’s.  There would be talk of the infamous “you’ve got corn on your face” dialogue Grandma and Grandpa would have while eating a supper full of vegetables from their own garden. It made my mouth water waiting for my invitation to stay.  It came and all my expectations were met I that tiny white house in Payson.  My cousin Kirsten and I would spend hours down in “Aunt Becky’s room” playing Barbies.  Dolls that seemed to have been preserved for us. The Zebra swimsuit and handmade dresses.  It didn’t even compare to the ones I had at home.  I had one that I could twist up her hair in a multitude of dos. Yet, the stale hair of the retro set seemed more satisfactory. 

All those trips seem to mesh together in a big mass of memories.  Yet as I type, I want a bowl of Fruit Loops.  I have forgiven her long ago for not teaching her left-handed granddaughter how to crochet.  Yet, last night all I could think about was the warmth she had given our home with all the baby blankets, comforters and afghans. Not to mention the dish towels, washcloths and bath linens that she made.  This morning, I spotted Jack’s quilt.  She was over ninety when Jack was born and here is an expertly crafted frog quilt. The only request she made is that she held the tiny receiver of her gift.  She held each one of mine. My big babies over-filled her tiny lap, commented on how the boys looked like Aaron and Anna was just like me. When it took a while for my last two cherubs to arrive, She told me it would come and I believed her. She was right and her quilts welcomed them into the world. I feel so remorseful for ignoring and excusing myself for not making the long trek to Payson to see her and letting her see her progeny.

I was paid the compliment that my eyes resemble hers.  Our eyes that squint and crack when we smile.  That is how I see her.  That is how I love her.  Only if  I could resemble in so many other ways.  She was constant and firm. I will always see her in that white house on top of the hill. That is where she wanted to be. She fought to be there.  She would have been there if she hadn’t had to relent to more care these last few weeks.  I think I might have a bit of her stubbornness, I am not easy swayed from my own ideas.  Yet, on her stubbornness is a virtue. 

When I heard of her death, all this that seemed vaulted rushed out. I have drowned in it and basked in her memory.  I think today I need to pick up some Fruit Loops.

Connected

John Preston Nydegger

aka Jack

I must confess that some days seem wasted. Like when we used to get the newspaper and forget to bring it in until two days later. It would be wet, or wrinkled from drying the the sun after being unintentionally watered. Then it would sit on the counter and, since we don’t have recycling with our garbage service, thrown out not browsed or picked through. Days seem to speed by unnoticed then left for pick up

I don’t want it this way. I remember holding Jack after my most painful childbearing experience. The intense cry he released pacified me, calmed my hips and back. I examined him over and over again. His stick-up blond hair and narrow feet. His intense gaze when he heard my voice. He knew me. I held him a few days and nights later. Days and nights that swirled and heaved with unexplained crying and uncomfortable recovery. I was a bit disillusioned that the instant bonding process had left. Yet, he looked at me as I spoke, and I was repentant. Our souls seemed to leave our bodies and tie together and then a piece of that union was sent back to each of us. I began to understand his wails and fusses. It wasn’t always instant but, we worked on it together.

It seems so long ago that all this happened. Yet, luckily when I look in those eyes and he purses his wet red lips, I remember that tiny babe. He still finds my eyes to get his jumbled messages across. In them, I find the decoder I need to recycle this memory and help him navigate.

A Response to a kind Commenter

Yes I am back to blogging. I realized with are my intermittent absence, all my resolution to return, it really didn't change much. I would go about my day, with the thought that all that I am breathing, seeing, doing, should be spelled out. Not for others but for myself. Then I would quickly shove those feeling in the back cavern of my head to keep company with triathlon training, getting published, and doing my children's baby books (which are so covered in cobwebs and dust will take a lots of gentle nudging to get out.) So I would go a week or month changing diapers, figuring out biography projects, and putting on princess dresses on Anna, content and fine. Yet, none of that has found a spot on this blog. So in response to the one who knows me best, I am here and ready to pump the life back into this blog. We need the Elvis Dance Parties and trips to Wheeler Farm. More than not, we need not to forget our good life. We need to drown ourselves in it. To the rest of my quaint readership: I am back.

By the way, posting a picture, let alone letting someone take a picture of me solo is really out of character. What does this say? Not exactly sure.

And now to say Adieu, 2010

Basements and babies. Those two things seemed to fill 2010. Now the basement complete and the baby, well, I deny he is growing up. A week ago he lay on my chest in the early hours, and his big sister took up Aaron's. I could see their backs lift and fall with breathing a sigh escaping once in a while in that full bed. It is nice to be full and not bloated. I laid there satisfied after a feast of a year. Full and glad to see what preparations we can make for this year. Little goofy but, that's how I like them.
Partying princess style

Looks like we made it!

General Sherman came in November for a brief stay. I was surprised to find out his whiskers were drawn on.

Halloween Folks! Come join our wild west adventures.

Canyonlands

Here's proof of my child prodigy.

Loved Arches despite the bugs and heat.

Splish, Splash, Anna loves to dance. Sorry rhyming isn't my forte

Love him.

This will scare the boys away.

Montana skies and my men on horseback.

Smallest cowboy, cutest in the west..and north, south and east.

Wrangling kids @ Timpanogos Cave. I spend lots of time wrangling

A little retro-chick for Anna.

Summer's End

In all the summers we've had since the beginning of us, this one has been the most packed. Some dismal February day when all we could do to drink the gifts of summer by planning what we would do. We planned and planned some more. Taking out all the stops, excuses, and realities (like it is really hard to camp with a baby), we planned a whimsical and adventuresome summer. It was all we could have expected with a few bumps in the road. Yet to warn you: if you plan in February how you will weed away your summer days, be warned that they will speed by. Busy is always good, in my book. I have so many memories that I need to tuck away somewhere. Some of my favorite are Harris's amazement with Arches, Anna at the ranch on Ol' Timer, and Jack slumbering in the front pack on the way down from Timp Cave.

Then there are all the little things which filled in all the cracks. My house seemed to have a revolving door for all the neighborhood children. Our living quarters are tight, the basement still in the last stages of completion, yet it seemed they didn't care. Boys playing wii or plotting their weekly business. Little girls pushing strollers and conducting tea parties. Then there were the drawn-out mornings where Harris spoiled Anna with attention, pillow forts, and the Price is Right. Those walks to the park filled the twilight hours and drink runs with the kids. Jack growing and changing like the weeds in our garden. Not to forget, the tender sugary corn that we ate at summer's end, luckily there are a couple left on the stalks to make the warm weather linger. Then there was the night when Aaron and I took books out on the patio, meaning to read in candlelight and talked for hours. It probably was me doing the talking and Aaron wanting to get back to his book.

Now its over, school is back in session, the days are shrinking down and cooling off. Which means I actually have a schedule. Those long days of summer have slipped through my fingers. Yet, not without leaving their mark. So, when February rolls around again and we begin to schedule those warm three months, I hope we fill it. I hope we cram as much in, leaving very little air space. Just enough to breathe and to drink a fresh lime or two.

Wide Open Spaces

Howdy all! We are now recovering from cowboy camp. Oh, how we loved this place. The Gallitan River, the mountains, our first spotting of a bear in Yellowstone Park. It was as rejuvenating as the cool Montana Air and cleansing as the storms that visited us each evening. I feel a bit heartbroken as this trip begins the close of our summer. One more short jaunt and then back to books and car pools and cold weather too soon. There is a lot I will remember about this summer: Arches, crying babies in the car, Ragnar, swimming with the kids, and fresh limes. We have grilled almost every night and dined on the patio. Yet, as I watched my family blend in to the Montana landscape, I'm convinces that this summer is one to be beat. Aaron and Harris played their western roles well. The cowboy hats grew on me. A few times I thought maybe we should have left the young'ns at home.

There was oodles of water running in and out of the ranch for tiny fingers to wade in.

We might need to get Aaron a bigger gun in thirteen years...

Anna and Timer

I hope this trip doesn't affect any career goals.

How I waited for my cowboy to come home from his two hour ride.

My cowboys

Afternoon at the fish pond.

Harris learning the ropes.

Oh, every girl wants a cowboy

Cowboy Jack on his morning ride.

New Blog and more to Come

So I did it. Started a new blog. Say what you will, but it is done. If you would like to check it out, here's the web site: www.reinkarination.blogspot.com. Also, we just returned from the vast lands of Montana along the Gallitan river. We rode horses, lassoed fake cattle, shot Bibi guns and such. We even saw a bear. Now, who can say they saw a bear in Yellowstone, now we are amongst the fan club. Shortly, I'll be blogging about all that. There is more to come as well using Stories as the mother ship to all kinds of other adventures.