Friday, January 9, 2009

Keeping Time

Dear Birthday Fairy-

Thank you so much for the fabulous, but a bit complicated, running watch. I love it! It amazes me that such a little thing can do so much. I mean, for me to record all that it does would take a three foot scroll. It was a a tad complicated to figure out what was meant by the logarithmic diagrams, meant to be instructions, on how to program it. I did finally figure it out though, and now feel I have earned some new sort of genius prowess because of that feat. I love that it keeps a log of my times and distances. Amazing! What a thoughtful gift for me, one crazy girl who likes to run more than is probably really good for her.
On that note, I have a request for next year. I know that it is eleven months away but, I thought you would like a heads up. While enjoying my handy new watch this morning, especially its accuracy, my thoughts turned that a similar watch with certain specifications could be useful for the rest of my duties. So, next year I would like a similar model watch but catering to my mothering mode. I realize I never remember to wear any other watch except when I run, but I ensure you that this one would be a permanent fixture on my wrist. Now, it must not be any bigger than my running watch and have no sharp edges that can scratch little children who are always underfoot. If you would please make it water, milk, crayon, urine and vomit resistant that would be much appreciated. Also, an anti-theft buzzer needs to be included just in case any little someone finds it and decides she needs to be mommy for the day and forgets where she put it because Super Why! was distracting her. I could rattle off a never-ending list on the features to include but, I will try to understand that you have many other mothers to attend to and let me tell you, once I get my "Mommy Tech Watch," they will all be writing you charming letters like this one.

First off, you need to include a timer. Not just a simple stop watch but a multi-function, multi-use alarm system with an array of pre-set times. For instance: if I am potty training and cooking dinner and Anna hasn't gone potty in a while, I would like to set it so at the exact moment she feels the urge, I am at a stopping point with the cooking. You might need to include some sort of a sensor in fruit snack coating so it can be near the reacting premisis. I would also like it to warn me if Anna is going to enter a tt (terrible twos) moment when I am trying to help Harris on how to write an algebraic equation the way his teacher does and not the way the rest of the world has understood it for years. The alarm function could also include, when Aaron has seen his last patient and will be living the clinic, when to leave to get to basketball on time according to weather and traffic conditions, and most importantly, when exactly my third grader must get up in order to be ready on time for school, since it varies by whether or not there are Lego creations that need his attention before getting dressed.
You would think that a good alarm system would do the trick well, there are just a few more capabilities this wonder watch needs. I need a good bit of internal memory in order to store such things like, immunization records, social security numbers, children's minutes read, insurance card information, and what punishments I gave, when I gave them, and what the consequences are. You see, with this data strapped to my wrist there will be no more of the Pediatrician questioning whether my child is really up to date on their shots and then thinking maybe he should disturb the peace and poking my poor two-year old's legs a second time. Luckily he trusted my word but, that is if I trust my own word, if all this info was on my wrist what would be the worry?
I would also, for my own blissful pleasure, a running log of how many dishes I wash, wet clothes I change, times I mop gray watery foot prints off my my white floor, stories I read, kisses I give, Legos and Nerf darts I gather, cute phrases and pronunciations I hear, crazy questions I am asked and all other daily morsels that only I really need to tabulate. As I tumble day in and out, these things need somewhere to call home other that my already cluttered brain.
Dearest Birthday Fairy, you have been so dear to me in years past and I know this is one of the bigger requests I have made. Yet If you do this for me, I promise that I will be tickled to figure out the hieroglyphic instructions which presumably will accompany it and let it never leave my wrist. Also, I'll drop the request for a second home in Paris, we both know I was being a bit greedy with that one.

My good wishes to the Tooth, Valentines, and Christmas-eve Fairy.

Yours Truly,


1 comment:

Davis Family 5 said...

This is possibly one of the most funny things I have read on a blog. I think the super-mom watch should also have an alarm that will go off when said mom is about to eat anything which will turn into body fat. Knowing that all moms metabolize different foods at different rates, this will need to be customized to the user. Is that asking too much?
P.S. You are such a talanted writer. I'm adoring your blog so much. Keep up the good work!